surprise, surprise
by Bluestarisawesome
Summary: "i want someone who doesn't know when to shut up so i can teach her. i want Effie Trinket."
1. prolouge

Surprise, surprise prologue

A stupid, prissy girl from the capitol. That's everything she isn't. She hates the games as much as I do, as she trains the girl every year and watches her die, and I train the boy every year and watch him die. Its hell, really. Part of the reason I've turned to drinking and she's turned to that stupid airheaded personality of hers that really intrigues me. I'm a victor. I could have any woman I want. I could have Hazelle, I could have Mrs. Everdeen, I could have Katniss. I want Effie. We share the same views on a lot of things, the hunger games, life, and death itself. Unlike most capitol girls, she actually has some real beauty under all that crap. She does envy Katniss, because of her strength, and possibly because of her perceived innocence.. I don't see why she would. I like someone who's wild behind closed doors; I want someone who doesn't know when to shut up, so I can teach her. I want Effie Trinket.


	2. Chapter one

Surprise, surprise chapter one.

I wake up lying next to Effie. I must have been really drunk last night. Especially since both of us are wearing nothing but a confused look on our faces.

"morning." Effie says.

_Dear god, what did I do last night? I think nervously._

"Effie." I say as calmly as I can.

"Well, I should be going. Before those kids wake up and start asking questions." Effie says while she's getting dressed.

"Effie, what did we do last night? I think I may have been drunker than usual." I say nervously.

"the real question, Haymitch, is what didn't we do last night." She says on her way out.

_Oh dear god._

"Great. Well, as long as she's not pregnant were still good." I mumble. I slowly put on a pair of pants and the shirt I wore yesterday. I barely make it to the toilet before the spirits I've consumed make an appearance. I rinse out my mouth and make my way to the table for breakfast. Only Peeta was sitting there.

"Peeta." I say slowly.

"Haymitch." He responds.

"Where's Effie?" I ask

"I knew it." Peeta laughs.

"I just asked a simple question." I snap.

"Is, 'oh my god, Haymitch!' a simple question, too?" Peeta laughs harder.

"Stay out of my business, and I'll stay out of yours." I threaten.

"You better pray that you didn't knock her up. Snow'll find a way to make your life hell." Peeta warns.

"My life has been hell since before you were born." I retort.

**A/N: ya short I know. Is it good or does it suck? I don't wanna make it too dirty, but I don't wanna make it too wimpy either. Review! **


	3. Chapter two

Surprise, surprise chapter two

I gave them my usual advice on staying alive. Katniss managed to murder a place mat, and peeta break a glass. Lovely. Their stupid comment caught me off guard a bit. I still remember…

"_You guys certainly were up late last night." Peeta says struggling not to laugh._

"_We had things to discuss. You know, strategies, things like that." Effie says._

"_Oh, well we were a little worried. I sounded a bit 'aggressive' if you ask me" Katniss smirks and almost chokes on her food._

"_Yes, we were worried when Effie started screaming. It sounded like you were murdering each other…"Peeta can't continue._

"…_until Effie said 'hayyyymitttchh! Oh my god you were right!'" Katniss finishes._

_I wanted to kill them and of course Effie just sat back covering her face shaking her head back and forth._

The games have started now. I highly despise the fact that Peeta is with those careers and that Katniss is severely burned. I get up, and drink whiskey straight from the bottle. Effie disapproves.

"Haymitch, what are we going to do with you?" she sighs.

"What, I need it!" I slurred.

"I need it too." she surprised me with that remark. She walks over to me, takes the bottle from my hand and drinks most of it.

"Effie!" I gasp.

"Can't I have some fun? You know what? Your right. Nobody cares about manners." She throws the bottle on the floor, shattering it and wasting perfectly good whiskey. She vomits enough for both of us and falls on her face.

"God, now that I know that you can't hold your alcohol i won't let you have anymore." I say, trying my best to pick her up. Her only response was a sob. The worst part of it all was I am beginning to think she was sobbing from the embarrassment, not the pain. I carry her to her room, rinse the blood off her face and tuck her in.

"Night, Effie." I say on my way out.

"Wait, Haymitch!" she calls after me.

"What is it, princess?" I ask.

"Stay here with me. Don't leave." She lies back down, and shuts her eyes.

"Alright, I'll stay." I whisper.

Xxx

It's barely sunrise, and Effie's alarm goes off.

"Oh, shut that awful thing off Haymitch." She groans. Suddenly, I wonder if we've somehow switched lives. I reach over and turn off the alarm.

"How's that hangover, princess?" I scream in her ear.

"Lovely. Thank you." she replies sarcastically. All that whisky makes an appearance again.

"Oh, Haymitch how do you deal with this?" Effie cried.

"Easy. More booze, or sleep. Personally I think more booze is easier." Haymitch laughs.

Xxx

"Hell, Effie I think you should see a doctor, or something. Nobody barfs this much two weeks after they get drunk." Haymitch said outside the bathroom door.

"Nobody except me!" Effie says. "I'm never drinking again!"

**A/N: did that suck? Plz review. This isn't going to be a lemon tree. This will be more like a cup of tea with a lemon wedge, okay? Hate to disappoint… but yeah.**


	4. Chapter three

Surprise surprise three

That was it. Haymitch convinced me. Besides, I was sick of vomiting 24/7. And, the fact that it wouldn't look very good if an escort couldn't fit into her corset, now would it?

"Congratulations, miss trinket." Someone called dr. cone says.

"On?" I ask.

"Why would I say that?" he asks.

_I can't believe this. What am I supposed to tell Haymitch? _I think.

"How long?" I am shaking.

"Two months. It will be three tomorrow." Making his indifference clear. When I almost faint, I think that is when he realized that this was not planned at all.

Xxx

I slowly inhale, as a turn the door knob. I find Haymitch on the couch with a pillow hiding his drunken dream world.

"Haymitch!" I yell.

"What?" he says.

"im pregnant." I decide it is best if I don't beat around the bush. He slowly sits up, looks me over, and says, "Well, you can't have a drink, but you can still loosen your corset."

"aww, Haymitch." I start to cry.

"must be those hormones of yours. I'll uh, get you a little something for that." he says on his way out.

Haymitch's POV

_Chaff! I've got to find Chaff! _I think. I eventually do find him at a new bar called 'the tipsy tribute'. It is a bar especially dedicated to the games.

" 'ey, Mitchy, my man!" Chaff says.

"She's pregnant, chaff." I say.

"Who, not that prissy little escort of yours!" Chaff cannot stop laughing.

"Chaff, I came here for some damn advice. Not for a comedy session." I threaten.

"I don't know what to tell you. What's she going to do? It wouldn't look good if she couldn't fit into her corset, you know."

"Chaff, that's the stupidest thing you have ever said. Don't mess with my intelligence. We both know that I have about as much chance as a snowflake in hell!" I eventually order a beer, and chaff realizes I'm serious, and its about time, too. "Snow will probably make us avoxes if he doesn't kill us first."

Xxx

After 2 beers and a glass of wine, I stumble back to Effie. I know she's worried.

I am only there 5 minutes and she's giving me a headache. Blah, blah drinking, blah, blah manners, blah, blah kid, blah, blah father and on and on and on. She eventually realizes I couldn't care less, and takes off her make up and those awful clothes. She will only do that for me. She's my Effie now. The Effie that Panem never sees. I guess I am pretty freakin' special. My dreams are the usual. I knew I didn't drink enough to avoid Maysilee's cry, and my family being kill and the whole country watching. There are new people there. My Effie and our child are amongst the horrors of my half-drunken dream land.


	5. Chapter four

Surprise surprise chapter four.

"Haymitch! Haymitch!" I shake him violently. He thrashes around more, until he finally wakes up.

"Effie, oh Effie. Thank god, Effie. Thank god." He is hugging me so tight I am suffocating.

"Christ, Haymitch, I can't breathe! What is wrong with you? You were tossing and turning all night and you kept screaming and throwing things!" I would cry, but I'm too shocked.

"Every night, Effie. The same dream. Every night." I have no idea what he means, but I dismiss it as drunken rambling.

"I'll get an Avox to clean all the glass." I suggest.

Xxx

Chaff's little girl rue died. I am on the verge of tears, but I know I can't cry until we go back to the penthouse. That could not come soon enough. Finally, there is nothing really to see so Haymitch and I make our way out.

Haymitch's POV

She's crying. Not the attractive kind, either. She is soaking my shirt with her warm tears. She finally takes her face off my chest. I suggest she get some sleep. I noticed her face is clean of make-up, but I can't say the same about my shirt.

"I am sorry, Haymitch." Effie chokes out.

"its alright, princess, I won't be needing it, anyway." I joke.

"Haymitch!" she laughs and hits me on the arm.

"No! No! No!" I shout. The peacekeepers are snickering.

"No Effie. I'm so sorry. Oh Effie." It all came to an end. I am awake, and staring into Effie's eyes.

"Tell me, Haymitch."

"About the dream?" she nods.

In explain all about my stunt with the force field and how Snow made the entire country witness my family being murdered. I justify my reasons for drinking myself into a coma. She seems to understand. Maybe she's not so stupid.

Effie's POV

I really want to comfort him. I know he'll refuse but I try anyway. I start singing to only song I can think of. Missing by evanescence. It was around when this hell hole, AKA Panem, was still America.

_Please, please forgive me,_

_But I won't be coming home again._

_Maybe someday you'll look up,_

_And barely conscious, you'll say to no one_

"_Isn't something missing?"_

I stop when I see a tear emerge from his bloodshot eye. My mother always said I could make a grown man cry, but this isn't what she wanted. I'm sure of it.


	6. Chapter five

Surprise surprise chapter five

"You know Effie, there is one way I always forget about the games." I finally say.

"Oh?" a grin crosses her face.

"Yeah." I get a little closer and I kiss her. Not an 'I love you' kiss but an 'I really want to have some fun' kiss.

"Haymitch…" Effie whispers. I don't even say anything more when she removes her dress. It forms a deep purple pool at her feet. My pants are suddenly cutting off my circulation. Effie lies down and I trace patterns on her legs eventually reaching her inner thigh. I remove her lingerie, as it is getting in my way now. I remove my tight pants, and remember to control myself. This is Effie we're talking about, not some one night stand.

"You really want to do this, Effie?" I ask.

"Yes. We've done it before, Haymitch." Effie says.

Effie's POV

He's big. Almost too big. This is the third time, but I still have to adjust a little bit. The noises escaping my lips seem unnatural. They only get stranger as I reach my climax.

"Ahhh… Haymitch" I stutter. The tightening of my walls sends him over the edge

"Oh my god, Effie…" he groans.

Without much warning, his warmth emerges. We both collapse. I am in awe, so I lie there staring at the ceiling. There simply aren't words for this.

"So, I'm not that bad, huh?" Haymitch finally says.

"Oh, no. you're great." I just start laughing, and I have no idea why.

Xxx

There was an announcement made. There can be two victors this year. i don't believe it, and i start to understand the whole star crossed lovers thing Haymitch wanted. It is saving their lives. They have been lucky. Thresh magically appeared and saved the day, there can be two victors, Peeta's not dying anymore. It is getting boring in the eyes of the capitol. It can only take a turn for the worst, at this point.

**A/N: was that terrible? That was my first lemon ever… I thought it was terrible, but you know I wrote it. Uh… so if you would kindly take the chance to review… I honestly tried to keep them in character because I haven't done that a lot lately. Thx for reading.**


	7. Chapter six

Effie's POV

"Haymitch, you don't think she knew what she was doing, do you?" I fret.

"Of course she did. She has no fucking idea how this will screw her up for the rest of her life, princess."

"Haymitch, please mind your language." I nudge him.

"What the hell for?" He mumbles. He glances down at my slightly swollen belly and a look of acknowledgement creeps across his face. "Right. I suppose I should practice a little bit."

"I am worried. Should I do anything?"

"No. Absolutely not. You know nothing about this at all, Effie. It is the safest thing for you." He says firmly.

"So I am to be the same old ditsy escort?" I sigh.

"Yes. It shouldn't be too difficult for you, though." He laughs.

"Oh, go to hell." I hiss.

"Watch your language, Effie." He mocks me in that ridiculous capitol accent I am forced to use.

"Haymitch, do you think the kids will say anything? Think anything unusual, at all?" I ask.

"What about? Oh, about you in your, er, condition? Probably not. They heard us on the train, and they knew from there. Remember that night?" He says seductively.

"Oh, please don't remind me." I murmur.

"You thought I was gonna rip you in half, huh?"

"Shut up, Haymitch. Please. You're grossing me out." I plead.

"Oh, _really?_ Well, you will be happy to hear this. I heard that babies have hair all over 'em inside the womb, and they eat it, and thus, their first crap is born." He says.

"That isn't true! Where did you hear such a God awful thing, Haymitch?" I say, sure I will vomit within a few moments. "God, I need to be excused."

"Need to puke, princess?"

Haymitch's POV

"Effie, you okay? You've been in there a while." I ask, cautiously.

"I'm alright." She responds. She comes out of the room quickly. "You know, Haymitch, we should pick out baby names."

"Baby names? I have one. How about, Gin? Or Scotch? We could call him Scot, for short."

"Haymitch, be serious." She scowls.

"I was being serious." I reply.

"What if it is a girl? What about then?" She challenges.

"A girl…" I trail off. "Effs, could we name her after my girl, and could her middle name be Maysilee?"

"Haymitch, you held on after all these years?" she whispers. Her voice rose a few octaves.

"Yes. I had to. Are you jealous or something?" I ask.

"No. I think it is beautiful," she replies quickly.

"So can we, Effs?" I almost beg.

"Yes, Haymitch. Of course," She ensures.

**A/N: so, according to Charlie sheen, if you pee on your feet it gets rid of athlete's foot. Heck, I'll try anything. Anyway, I am usually against using language in stories, but hey, I wrote a lemon, and I'm in high school now, so what the heck? I have to live sometime. I am also writing my own original work on . My user name is Bluestarisawesome. Incase there is more than one, I am the one with the hunger games themed profile picture, if you guys are interested. Thanks for your time! I apologize for taking so long to write this, but I have been busy writing my own work, and with school, and stuff. Have you guys ever heard of this amazing person by the name of Stuart Pissado? Best guy on this site. Endeavoring Essence: The Avox Girl is by far the best thing I have ever read. If it weren't illegal, it could be its own freakin' book! Its that good! Please check it out. **

**Okay and here is my ranting and raving about technology. I HATE COMPUTERS! It deleted ALL my stories. I didn't even click on it! I had so much trouble finding this one. I had some awesome stuff on here and its all gone. That is the LAST and I mean the LAST time I ever delete anything again. EVER. I can only access this through word, not my documents. It always says the fanfiction folder is empty. The world would be a much better place without all this stupid technology. I am the one and only teen that hates it, but I am the one and only teen who just might be onto something. **


	8. Chapter seven

Effie's POV

"Katniss, is it just me, or is Effie pregnant?" I hear Peeta whisper.

"No, no, I see it too," She whispers back.

"I can hear you, kids," I say loudly. "Yes, I'm pregnant."

"Wow." Peeta laughs.

"What he means is, congratulations." She is struggling not to laugh.

"Its okay. Let it out." Before I can even finish saying 'out', they both bust out laughing. They don't stop for five minutes.

"Okay, okay, we get it." I say.

"Effie, you have really changed. You usually care about manners and crap like that. I like you this way." Katniss says.

"I assure you, I am the exact same Effie I always was. Now, Katniss dear, please mind your language." I scold.

"There she is." Haymitch says from behind me.

**A/N: Okay, I am very sorry now. This is less than 200 words. But, I am currently writing my first serious novel. It is called, Untitled, for now. It is about a world of extreme intelligence, and anyone who is average is sent away to live in a home for the mentally challenged. I am on chapter two, but I started writing it yesterday. It is the 21****st**** as I'm writing this, btw. I apologize; I think I will be quitting fanfiction. It gave me my start as a writer, so I will always remember all you awesome people who reviewed. Thanks. I won't be finishing this, btw. Use your imaginations. ;) Oh, and I am also really sorry, but if I am looking to publish something, I cannot post it online. So if you were interested… my apoligies. Have fun with the rest of your lives. :) -bluestar**


	9. Chapter eight

Haymitch's POV

"Effs, we should discuss living arrangements," I open up.

"Living arrangements?" She repeats.

"Uh-huh. Like, who is she going to live with?" I ask. When the ultrasound confirmed it was a girl Effie was excited, but I was worried.

"Both of us Haymitch," She says.

"But, Effie, I am not sure that's possible right now. The kids already know. You are showing a lot now, and to be honest we can't risk anyone else in your precious capitol knowing," I insist.

"Haymitch, I have a plan for everything. I did tell one person, but it is someone I can trust. Cinna. He is designing dresses that will conceal the fact. He's done it for Portia before, and he said we have similar frames," She says.

"Good. Wait, what? I never knew…"

"She doesn't. She wasn't. Understood?" She cuts me off.

"Yeah, princess," I say.

"Don't call me that, Haymitch!" she exclaims.

Months later…

Effie's POV

"No, I refuse!" I shout for the third and final time.

"Effs, lets be real here. You can't refuse to give birth," Haymitch says.

"I can and I will. I will live with this baby inside me forever if I have to," I say.

"Princess, do you really think that is a good idea?" He asks.

"No. Yes. I don't know! I am just afraid of pain. I am afraid of drugs, too, because they could do something to harm her. I don't know what to do," I mutter.

"Effie, you will do fine. Trust me," He looks over to Katniss, but she says nothing.

"Sweetheart, words of encouragement. Please," He says.

"You'll be fine Effie," She offers, and walks away. "They don't even have drugs that take away pain here in twelve anyway!" She calls from the hallway.

"Thanks a lot, Katniss," He says. "Bread boy may be able to be of more help." He suggests.

"No, Haymitch, I can't say anything. I am much too squeamish," Peeta says and follows Katniss out the door.

"Squeamish? That is the best you could come up with? Aw, the hell with you both!" He shouts.

"Well, at least they aren't _drunk_ like a certain person named Haymitch," I counter.

"I am not drunk. I had one sip of beer," He assures.

"That must have been a very large…" I stop as another contraction takes over me.

"Effs, trust me. Nothing will go wrong," He says, and kisses me on the forehead. "I swear."

He cannot promise such a thing. I admire his courage, though.

After a few intervals of pain and screaming from both Haymitch and me, Mrs. Everdeen says the most magical words on earth.

"It's a girl. Would you like to cut the cord, Haymitch?" Haymitch sits back and pulls out a flask. He takes a long swing, and accepts.

"Yes," He says simply. I don't see him do it. I only see the tears running down the sides of his face.

"Effie, she looks like you," He says. I extend my arms to hold her for the first time. I hold her gently; afraid I may break her, and look into her eyes. They are Haymitch's seam gray eyes. Her hair is mine.

"Welcome, Diana Maysilee Abernathy," I say with a smile on my face. Mrs. Everdeen seems to notice my weak grip on her.

"Effie, babies are strong. You won't break her. Hold her a little tighter, okay?" She says.

"What about Haymitch, Mrs. Everdeen?" I ask jokingly.

"The only advice I can give about him is keep the alcohol away from her. And call me Violet," She adds.

I hand her over to Haymitch, and he sits down in his chair.

"She's so beautiful Effie," He says getting a grip on his emotions.

"Haymitch, about those living arrangements," I open up.

"Yes?" He asks.

"I have one word. You. You have to take care of her. People cannot suspect a thing. I promise that I won't leave you. But I have to go back to the capitol soon, Haymitch. It is the best thing for her. No one will suspect anything," I assure.

"Fine. Whatever. Please be careful," I know he is trying to hide is rage and disappointment. There will be time for that later. My train leaves in a few hours.

**A/N: So, how was that? I tried to go into as much detail as I could without it being weird. So, how did I do? Did I leave out too much detail, actually? The review button is just one, short click away! I decided on Mrs. Everdeen's name because I am sick of her being Mrs. Everdeen. Her daughters are named for plants, so I though she might be too. I am stuck on Mr. Everdeen's name. He was a singer, so I figured it would be a bird name, but they all sound so weak. Wren, Mockingbird, Jabberjay, UGH! See what I mean? They just don't fit. Another thing, did I make Haymitch seem too wimpy? Sorry about that. I am just convinced that he has a soft side, and I could be letting it show too much. **


	10. Chapter nine

Effie's POV

"Effie, you simply cannot leave on that train! You just had a baby, for god's sake. You need to recover! Something could go wrong!" Mrs. Everdeen frets.

"Mrs. Ever- _er_- Violet, if I don't everyone will suspect something. I am afraid I will have to," I cry, with moisture forming in my eyes. "I know what you are thinking. How can she just leave her here? Well, I can't. It could be the hormones, or the pain, or a combination of both, but I feel awful. But it is the best thing for her. I will be fine. Come the quarter quell, Haymitch and Plutarch will have this rebellion thing rolling, and…" I stop too late. Haymitch is mouthing unrepeatable words to me.

"Effie. You. Are. Not. Supposed. To. Know. Anything. Understood? You are putting yourself in danger. Please, please! I shouldn't even have told you. You are going to slip up one day, and it will cost us the damn kid!" Haymitch storms off.

"Haymitch, wait!" I call. He doesn't turn around. The train leaves the station, and the tears pour out.

Haymitch's POV

"Well, Diana, I guess it's just you and me now," I offer. She wails at the sound of my voice.

"This is going great," I mutter. "Where the hell is a woman when you need her?" I here Katniss come in and slam the door.

"Close enough, huh?" I chuckle. Diana stops crying for a brief moment.

"Haymitch, how is it going?" She asks.

"Lovely. She hasn't stoped crying since Effie left," I admit.

"Well, maybe she is hungry," She says. I chuckle.

"Look, I may have nipples, but I don't necessarily think…"

"Shut the hell up. Go to the market and buy some formula," She cuts me off quickly.

"Watch your language, Sweetheart," I counter.

"Please, Haymitch. I would love you of all people to lecture me about some language," She says.

"Will you come with me?" I ask.

"To do what?" She asks.

"To get the formula," I say sheepishly.

"God, Haymitch, and to think you are the man!" She says on the way out the door.


End file.
